


Pure Fantasy

by lemurious



Series: Silmaril Valley [1]
Category: TOLKIEN J. R. R. - Works & Related Fandoms, The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types, The Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien, The Silmarillion and other histories of Middle-Earth - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: 2020 As Implausible Dystopia, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Crack, Ecthelion Is Worried, Fluff and Crack, Glorfindel Writes Fantasy, Humor, Irissë Can Hack Anything, M/M, One-side of Palantir Calls, Phone Calls & Telephones
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-29
Updated: 2020-08-29
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:19:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,295
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26178625
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lemurious/pseuds/lemurious
Summary: 2020-inspired crack fic. Ecthelion gets a call from Glorfindel, who is stuck in Rivendell writing fantasy stories to pass the time. Only his stories have started to sound unreasonably dark...Featuring three one-sided Palantir calls, and Irissë the second-best hacker of Tirion.
Relationships: Ecthelion of the Fountain/Glorfindel
Series: Silmaril Valley [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1967905
Comments: 10
Kudos: 22





	Pure Fantasy

“You have reached the Palantir of Ecthelion at 0021B Calacirya in Tirion, Valinor. For fountain construction, please leave a message after a flash. All amateur chroniclers calling about a certain Balrog episode will be blocked, followed by quick impaling in case of appearing in person.”

“ _Uh, I am not sure why I am calling you really, and at such hour of the night, everything in Imladris goes on as usual…”_

“Glorfindel! Sweetie, I am always happy to be woken up by _you_ , even when you are five hours ahead of Valinor. What’s going on? Is the battle at your door already? I thought you just had that council…

“I miss you too. I was hoping you’d be home by now. A quick march on the dark lord of the day, swish-slash with a blazing sword, and zip right back into my arms on an express through Havens or Mandos, whichever comes first.

“I am not blaming you. Sugar, I understand, it does get hard, being stuck in Imladris without a chance to leave. Just remember the centuries in Gondolin... But, Laurefin dearest, isn’t there anyone at all who could help you get through this? I believe you have mentioned a certain black-haired master of diplomacy? Erestor, am I right?

“No, I will _not_ be jealous. Really, you need a diversion at the very least, and if it becomes more, we’ll figure it out once we are all on the same side of the Sea. Look, you know I can hear it in your voice, you might as well admit you are interested in his advice of the more… _physical_ kind too.

“It _does_ sound like a wonderful way to keep your mind off the Ring! Stories, you say? _Pure fantasy?_ A new take on one of our Battles, or...? Tell me all the details. What is this world you are writing about?

“Darling, with all my love, but don’t you think this is your own loneliness talking? Surely it stretches the imagination a bit to have _everyone_ stay inside for - how many months was that?

“I mean, this is _fantasy,_ alright, but… What was the reason again?

“A new plague? Oh I _will_ read that. Those years with noxious fogs regularly creeping out of Angband...

“Wait. A plague that would be easy to avoid, _except that nobody would follow the rules?_ Well that’s what leaders are for! And even so, sugar, a thousand deaths a day is just a little too extreme. You want your stories to retain a shred of plausibility.

“Oh. I see, a Dark Lord. _Now_ we’re talking. Tell me: is he of the ice and iron type, or trending more towards lava and flames? Does he wear a crown? Any armor? How does he treat his servants? Does he have _special favorites?_

“Who are you calling a horny dark lord fancier?

“OK, I _have_ sent you those stories. But don’t tell me you didn’t like them! By the way, want a juicy piece of news? Do you know who their author is?

“I will give you a hint. Why do you think all the protagonists are tall, blond and excessively fond of fighting werewolves, well, at least in the beginning as far as the fighting is concerned?

“Yup.

“Yup. And he’s been making a pretty coin out of it. Can’t blame the kid – not many jobs here for those of the more humanitarian bent. Void-forsaken Noldor, with them it’s always forge or bust.

“Anyway, back to _your_ stories, which by the way you should send at least Lórien-wards. They will pounce on anything after literal Three Ages stuck with each other in what is barely a village. Tell me more about your sexy Dark Lord.

“Oh. _Not sexy,_ got it.

“ _Orange_? What kind of an aesthetic is that? I mean, black is rather traditional, red isn’t too bad either, as long as it does not stray too far into the pink category… But to Utumno with the colors, what did you write as his chief crimes?

“Oh.

“He did _what?_

_“Oh._

“There’s _more?_

“Fire, yes. Based on the horror of Dagor Bragollach, I suppose, I remember only too well…

“ _How_ big is that? Wait, but your whole Area of the Bay is only…

“ _Every_ _year_?

“Just making sure I understand. In your story, you have the Dark – OK, OK, Orange - Lord, the entire land in disarray and oppression, _and_ a horrific plague, _and_ the scorching heat, _and_ fires burning the lands and choking everyone in smoke, _and_ no chance to leave until…months from now, and not even a certainty of a happy ending in defeating your chief villain?

“Honeybuns, I love you with all my heart, and you are wonderfully creative, but how do I say this… All the best fantasy stories have a grain of truth, a world that you could _almost_ believe in. Don’t you think this is a bit of an overload? _How lonely have you been?_

“Sweetie…

“I will call you every day now. Really, please do not imagine me jealous, nothing would please me more than seeing you happy, and you cannot deny it to my face that Erestor _would_ have a chance at making you happy.”

“See, you admit it too. I know. I know. I love you to the end of Arda and back."

\----------------------------

“ _i-Gondolin, by Irissë and Itarillë, at your service! Palantirs with built-in firewalls to withstand any treachery! Family Business since the First Age! Visit us in…”_

“Irissë, you exasperating woman. Pick up _now._

“Yes, I know what time it is, I am sorry and I will bake you three pans of scones and fix that spout on your fountain. Now, please listen to me...

“So now I need you to hack into Imladris and _get Erestor on the Palantir_ for me. _And soon._ The state that my Glorfindel is in… someone really needs to watch over him.

“ _Of course_ you can. Who else am I supposed to ask? Itarillë? But she only molds the balls in that little shop of yours.

“ _I am sorry,_ I _know_ it is a highly skilled craft, and I will not address your comment about my body parts, but I am just beside myself.

“You might as well tell me to ask Varda to send Erestor a message in her stars! Nerdanel doesn’t even move in the same circles as the likes of me. She’s been trying to convince Eärendil to take Palantir up to Vingilótë as an intermediate to speed up our connections to Endorë, have you heard?

“Please. I am so worried. He has been writing _fantasy_ stories to pass time while waiting, and do you know what he’s put in them?

“ _Now_ you see why I am losing my mind.

“I know you have more skill than that. A little bird told me of someone planning to hack into the Mandos shade-net to talk to certain cousins... 

"No, the bird was _not_ a seagull.

"It is an expression! Anyway, what I am asking you is a trifle in comparison.

“No, I won’t tell anyone, Void take it, I may even help you there.

“Of course we can keep it secret! You put the firewall in my Palantir yourself. You _know_ that short of Nerdanel, nobody can quench those flames, and let’s admit it, the fact that you are still talking to me can only mean that she already has, _and_ has decided to support you in the endeavor."

\----------------------------

“Erestor, is it? This is Ecthelion calling from Tirion. Look, I am sorry for intruding, and know it’s weird, but there’s a really important issue... No, it doesn’t matter how I got your Palantir access. Incidentally, I could suggest an excellent security provider.

“But first, what I wanted to tell you is that Glorfindel… “

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos and comments always appreciated, though unclear if deserved for such silliness :)


End file.
